facing reality

It’s true, I do my best not share personal stories, it’s a very fine line that becomes a balancing act somedays when I post to social media. Vulnerability, professionalism and integrity are very important to me and I do my best to demonstrate them. As many of you struggled last year and into this year, I too found myself alone, without people to visit or to join their bubble as was frequently suggested in the news. 
I became fatigued, frustrated and very angry. A bitterness grew within me that took over at times and I didn’t want anyone to see it. An angry part of me showed up and would not leave; a part of me that needed compassion and grace. I looked around and it was just me and my two cats that had become very clingy knowing that I was hurting emotionally. It took me almost a year to realize and accept that this was my reality. I denied myself compassion in the face of an unknown that still continues to morphe and shift humanities perspective. A voice inside me raged and criticized who I was, who I became with a voracity that left me a mess most days.

Last year was my busiest year to date, my calendar was filled with group classes, private lessons, animal and individual readings. I had to make changes not only to a horribly critical voice in my head (me) but to my business practices and approach too. I made tiny changes so I could cope with my work load. An outcome of giving so many readings was that a change in my abilities happened. I have given readings over the phone or video conference call for 9 years of my 17 years in business. Working online wasn’t new to me, it increased my ability to see into people’s homes and lives to a level that became very intimate. If my client was in an abusive relationship, I was right there with them, but they couldn’t see me watching what was unfolding. I had to learn how to cope with the vulnerability that I was experiencing on behalf of my clients which took some time and thought. 

Now, reflecting on what happened last year, I realized that I had gained further insight into my mechanisms that no longer serve me. That angry person seething and waiting for the next moment to attack my well being had been acknowledged for who she was and what she needed. She needed to be embraced because she felt alone and shown compassion for the difficulties that were being thrown at her daily, personally and professionally. I am developing a profound understanding of my needs and how to meet them, without the support of another human being. I can do this. I am capable of managing my life alone. It’s not easy or simple. Some days I manage an hour at a time and some days, I just sleep because my body tells me to. I listen to what I need and how my body feels.

When you’re falling apart and the tears are streaming down your face, your heart is pounding out of your chest and the ache you feel has taken over your body, please know that a part of you needs you. It needs to get angry, to rail against feelings that you might not be able to identify but they are wreaking havoc on your mind. Your feelings are there to tell you what you need and sometimes just naming them will enable you to get through the next moment.

Love,
Ursula xo 

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